My Secret

I have a secret to tell.

Well it is not really a secret because anyone who knows me pre-22 will know my secret. Nevertheless, it is still something that I hide in the photo albums, buried in a dark corner of the wardrobe.



There. I've come clean. This is me more than 10 years ago. Don't think I need to tell you how much I tipped the scales at to convince you I was big.

Gosh! Yes I can hear you gasp. Why is she doing this?! (Gasps repeatedly) Gosh!

Masochistic Me was a cute chubby baby whose cheeks adoring adults loved to pinch. As the story always go, the cute chubby baby grew day by day into a not-so-desirably-big pre-teen. Worried about how I might be oppressed by the majority of image conscious people in the world, my mother went on a campaign to make sure I continue to grow horizontally. I would be salivating while my brother wolf down trays and tray of sinfully delightful fast food, packets and packets of savoury and sweet snacks, cups and cups of fizzy drinks. Salivating. Yup, I was salivating all the time. Perhaps that is why when my mother is no longer around to carry on with her campaign, I decided to chomp my way through the delicious fare that has eluded me for the longest time. You know how the story goes.

To cut a long story short, I discovered that my mother was correct. But did I care? Let's just say I really enjoyed the food and the comfort it provided. :D I was Miss Jolly Rolly Polly all the way through Secondary School, J.C. and Uni. Thank god for the lack of TAF Club then. Life was good. Okay, J.C. and Uni life was good. In addition to savouring yummy food, I was also experiencing life as a Drama student.

Life was still good even when a doctor discovered a rapidly growing cyst in my abdomen in the second year of Uni. It was expanding so quickly that I was operated on within a week. As a subsidised patient at a government hospital. That was how concerned the doctors were. The cause of their concern? A beautiful waxy ball of water weighing about 2 kgs. Anyway, with that taken out and having to take really light foods like fish porridge and fish and kai lan soup, the weight slowly came down and I realised I could do a lot more being lighter! I felt stronger too! Oh I was strong when I was obese but being lighter allows the strength to come less effortlessly. Before I know it, I was running and swimming and strength training and really enjoying it! The best days of my life. Intellectually challenged, relaxed and fit. Balanced.

Now, I still love my food. All kinds of food. I also love working up a sweat. I crave for my fruit salad with lemon juice, steamed fish, seafood pasta, chocolates and good ice-cream. I crave for long walks, fun in the sun and strength training. I'll never be thin, a word which definition defers from person to person, and I never want to be thin. All right, who doesn't want toned and cellulite-free limbs and taut abs from time to time. Come on, be honest! I constantly dream about that perfect lipo job that will take the oil bags away from me forever... Oops! Well what's another secret at this point right? But I am enjoying myself indulging in my cravings and maintaining balance.

So why did Masochistic Me exposed herself? She could be disturbed by the number of normally-sized young and older people she comes into contact with who think that they are fat for one reason or another. They go on potentially life-endangering diets to whittle and whip themselves into the ideal shape and size. There are also young people, generally happy with they way they are, suddenly dropped the fat bombshell and enlisted into the TAF Club. Some perform their TAF run and stop eating. Some perform their TAF run and carry on eating like mad. So much for getting healthy.

Maybe people cannot escape from the Thin equals beauty and power or the Acceptable BMI equals healthy, happy people traps. But that's what they are. TRAPS.

To sum it all, what Masochistic Me is trying to say is that anyone can be fat, healthy, balanced and happy! :D

Thinking and Pesky Parasites

My brain has been feeling like it is slowly being shrink-wrapped with fibre glass mesh for the past few weeks.

Thank god I am not a hypocondriac (as my lovely husband believes) or I would have gone crazy with worry. Nope, I do not think I am going to die from the condition but I do think that it is a manifestation of the things that might kill me...........................................................................
Okay it is not that bad. Maybe my brain feels that way because I think too much... Yup! I think about Kamal my husband, Mateen my son, Nasyitah myself and all the things I need to do, how to do them and sometimes why do I need to do them, what will happen if I do not do them and how happy I will be if I do not do some of them.

But I like thinking! Especially about the people I love and things I love to do for and with them. (Them : includes family, friends and little boys and girls I see from Mondays to Fridays)

Imagine making a mistake and not thinking about it. I bet the mistake will happen again. It is like a phenomenon I observed during Art lesson: When asked to draw a circle, student X draws a somewhat-like-but-not-a-circle shape. When asked to assess what he/she has done, student X is able to see that what he/she had drawn is not a circle but that unique shape. So being a dutiful and eager-to-do-right student, he/she immediately erases the shape furiously and re-draws with great care. Guess what? More often than not, student X always end up unknowingly tracing the invisible shape that he/she has drawn before. Once the unique shape is erased and forgotten, student X will do what is familiar: drawing it again! So you see, the same mistake gets remade over and over again.

Research on the aging brain also revealed that brains engaged in meaningful activity are less likely to suffer from monsters like Alzheimer's disease and Dementia.

I can go on and on about how thinking is definitely good for us but I think I might be missing my point: shrink-wrapped brains.

It is the parasites. Yup! My compressed and deprived-of-air brain is reacting to the parasites in my life. They can be anywhere and can take any form. Some will pretend to be good for/to you but once you are not careful, you will fall into their trap and be enslaved to feed their self-serving aims. Look closely around you and you might find yours too.

One thing is for sure, if your brain is screaming at you like how mine is, it is time to inject a big dose of enthusiasm, laughter and bright-eyed innocence to fight the baddies!

Time to go for a good, long, walk and banish those parasites!

Otherwise, viewing this video works for me too!

The Optimistic and Adaptable Cancerian

Since my darling husband left for N.I. again 3 weeks ago, I busied myself with adjusting to life without him around. Thought that I would have gotten used to him coming and leaving by now but I knew I was wrong when I moped on the day after his plane took off. Thank god for meaningful things to do! The best way to get on with it and move over the moping stage is to occupy oneself. You can take it from me that with all these things, important and frivolous ones, there is no chance I have time to waste, dragging my feet around like a love-sick animal.

Here is by no means an ordered or exhaustive list of things I enrich, or distract, myself and Mateen with:
1. Keeping the house spick-and-span. While this is something that I maintain all the time, I am all the more meticulous and rigorous now, cleansing with the amazing Kao Magic Cleaner.
2. Making sure Mateen gets his greens (and yellows, oranges and reds. This requires some cunning here for the trick is to mask the appearance of foods he had labelled as enemy) and homework done (which I find stressful especially when it comes to Malay!).
3. Plus, making sure that he has lots of opportunities to run about and interact with his peers. This means that I must be really productive in school so that I can fetch him from school to come home early enough to go to the playground where I am now a semi-regular. You know that when you begin to chat with maids and little children when you pass them at the void deck or meet them somewhere else in the neighbourhood. I must say I enjoy this tremendously.
4. Exercising as often as my schedule allows me to and I am feeling the positive effects it has on me already. I am totally sold on the physical and mental connection theories. I was really starting to feel stupid during the period of inactivity.
5. Reading as much as I can. So far I have been able to keep to my target of devoting at least 30 minutes (1 free period) to reading the newspaper when I am in school. I am very happy about that. :) Also finished one of the best books I have ever read. Time Was Soft There by Jeremy Mercier. The book is another Blog entry.
6. Devoting more time to my religious obligations. Never thought of myself going this way but the more I learn and practice, the more I see the logic and beauty of Islam... :)
7. Dreaming up new remodeling/redecorating plans. So far I only have time for the dream stage, which is good enough for now.
8. Being the best Drama teacher I can be!
9. Spending time with friends.
10. Updating my Blog.

Lest anyone think that I am alluding to the fact that a husband-less woman is a more productive woman, I really wish that my husband is not so far away.

But no worries! I am an optimist! :)

Loving Being Married

On a certain Monday at training, two ladies were exchanging tips about juggling parenthood and work. (Of course! What else would 2 working mothers away from work talk about right?) At the same time, a group of swinging singles were having an animated conversation about...about... Well this working mom haven't the faintest idea what they were talking about and that's not important. What is more important is the conversation that followed:

Swinging Single: Aiyoh will the two of you stop talking about parenthood!? We
feel so left out.
Working Mother 1: Why? It's never too early to pick up parenting tips what. (with
a smile)
S.S.: Huh? What makes you think I want to get married?
W.M. 1: (Gasps in horror) You mean you are not!?
W.M. 2: (Tongue-in-cheek wisdom) Hmm, it's better to have loved than not
at all yah?
S.S.: What makes you think I wouldn't have loved if I'm not
married? I would have loved many times over!
Mixed reactions from the other S.S.s and the W.M.s. Imagination needed here.
S.S.: Say, if you were born again, would you still want to be married?
W.M. 2: Actually it'll be nice to be a swinging single like you guys.
(not meaning what she said)
W.M. 1: (Without hesitation, cutting into W.M. 2's reply) I would want
to be married again.
S.S.: Wah! (Tickled and looking slightly impressed or disgusted.)Must
tell your husband!

Marriage, living and negotiating with another person with his own opinions, having a baby and raising him with patience and love are definitely not things I imagined for myself 15 years ago. 15 years is a long time and people change. And change I am glad I did for the marriage, the man and the baby who has grown into a little man have made me a much better person than I was.

To prevent this intelligent, funny, kind and generous man from cringing in his room far away from home (and to make sure I send the little man to his grandma's before getting to training on time!) I better stop writing.

See you soon my darling husband! :)